www.kristinfiore.com   |   kristin@kristinfiore.com

An Open Letter to Advertisers

Kristin Fiore
No Other Avenue, #1
Los Angeles, CA 90666
(323) 867-5309

Dear Sir, Madam or Computer-Generated / Costumed Mascot,

You are the architects and designers of our modern urban landscape. Square yard by square yard, jingle byjingle, you infiltrate every corner of our public space in an ever-expanding onslaught of designer shoes, athlete-endorsed sodas and gold-plated sunglasses.

Who has better utilized the introduction of paved roads (billboards), electricity (neon signs, revolving billboards), mass transit (subway and bus ads), radio & television (commercials and strategic product placement) and planes (flying banners)? True to the environmentalist's credo, you make the most of our available resources, covering wasteful building fronts with Gap and Apple computer portraits (there's a tribute to thinking different!), 23-story Virgin Shaglantic banners (brilliantly made of mesh, so the toil-and-fax workers in the obscured office can still see out their windows) and movie ads that smother entire buses. Even venues like the Great Western Forum, Staples Center, Arrowhead Pond and Blockbuster Pavilion tote your monikers.

Add mass-mailings, e-mails, evening phone pitches, school vending machines, company-sponsored school lunches and text books, and there's no one you can't reach. No avenue unexplored.

Almost. See, you seem to have missed an important medium that could be the most effective and subliminal yet...ME!! and other humanoids.

As a young, financially-challenged but well-endowed female, I would like to offer my services and help pioneer this new wave of marketing: Advertise on my chest!! That's right, I'm for hire. Here's what I (and other walking billboards) can do for you:me

As a mobile ad, I can go where your demographic is and change my message accordingly. New audience? New tee shirt!! At 5'2" and 25 years old, I'm an ideal target for teenage girls, whose insecurities and body-obsessions make them particularly easy targets. Fashion, beauty and plastic surgery ads would be ideal to parade in front of junior high schools at lunch time. Men will buy pretty much anything that is stretched across a large chest (excluding groups in San Francisco, West Hollywood, etc.). A stroll by Hollywood High with only a Stridex cap on each nipple? 10,000 boxes of acne cream SOLD!! (gives a new ring to the term "media whore," don't it?)

As a young writer, I am a symbol of anti-corporate angst and non-conformity. I can give your product a hip edge you just can't get from a TV ad. This will bring in a whole new demographic of youngsters who think that buying your product will be an act of rebellion!! (Add purple-dyed hair and fake piercings? Cah-ching!$!$).

You'll have the girlies, the meatheads AND the gen-x misfits. You can't go wrong!!

Think of the slogan possibilities:
Bust a Move! In new hip-hop Reeboks.
Keep Abreast of Business with E-commerce Software.
Don't Be A Boob!! Drink Coke.

I've worked out a scale of payment based on several factors, though everything below is negotiable. Additional charges may apply if I'm truly appalled by your product.

Basic Service Costs
basic tee shirt ad ... $20 / hour
revealing shirt, cold or rainy day, go braless ... extra $2 / hour
dangerous areas, actual contact with customers ... extra $3 / hour

Special Services
Change my name to your company's slogan! ... $800 / week
Tattoo your logo on my body (prices subject to logo size, placement. All tattoos subject to availability of desired body part)

Gallup polls show that folks just can't oogle each other enough -- and have even determined that certain consumer groups prefer particular body parts! Why settle for those uniform rectangles on the boulevard that cost thousands per week when humans come so cheap? Don't sit there and think about it -- buy now, because prime tattoo space and big-buy weeks will go soon! I've already got requests for Labor Day.

The human body is the final frontier. Claim it before your competitor does!!

Thank you for your time.


[insert what you'd like to call me here]